An emotionally abusive relationship damages your confidence and self-esteem.
Although quite different from physical abuse, emotional one can be more elusive and insidious. In many cases both, the victim and abuser are unaware that it’s happening.
Although the first thing that will come to your mind when thinking of emotional abuse will probably be an abused woman by her male partner, you should know that both, men and women abuse each other equally according to many studies. What’s more, any relationship can involve emotional abuse – between friends, parents, a child, and relatives.
What is exactly emotional abuse? It includes regular threatening, verbal offense, constant criticism, bullying, shaming, intimidation, and manipulation. The abuser controls and dominates the victim. In many cases, the reasons for emotional abuse are the insecurities and childhood wounds of the abuser, or maybe because s/he has been also abused. These people haven’t learned coping mechanisms for how to have healthy and positive relationships. On the contrary, they feel fearful, angry, hurt, and powerless.
Female and male abusers usually have high rates of personality disorders like narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and antisocial personality disorder. Emotional abuse might not progress into physical abuse, but on the other hand, physical abuse is nearly always accompanied and preceded by emotional abuse.
Most victims of emotional abuse have developed coping mechanisms of minimizing and denial to deal with the stress, so they often don’t regard this mistreatment as abusive. However, long-term emotional abuse can lead to serious emotional trauma, like anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder.
30 Signs of Emotional Abuse
1. Abusers put you down, humiliate you, or make fun of you in front of other people.
2. Your ideas, opinions, needs, or suggestions are regularly disregarded or demeaned by them.
3. They use “teasing” or sarcasm to make you feel bad about yourself.
4. Abusers usually deflect their abusive remarks by accusing you of being overly sensitive.
5. Abusers try to treat you and control you as a child.
6. They often reprimand you for your behavior.
7. You often feel like you need permission to go out somewhere or make decisions.
8. Abusers try to control your finances.
9. They trivialize and belittle you, your hopes and dreams, and your accomplishments.
10. Abusers try to make you feel as if you are always wrong, and they are right.
11. They give you contemptuous or disapproving looks or body language.
12. Abusers always point out your mistakes, flaws, or shortcomings.
13. Abusers blame or accuse you of things and situations you know aren’t true.
14. They can’t tolerate when others laugh at them, and they are incapable of laughing at themselves.
15. They can’t tolerate any seeming lack of respect.
16. Abusers hardy apologize, and they try to blame others or make excuses for their behavior.
17. They constantly ignore your needs and cross your boundaries.
18. Abusers blame you for their unhappiness, life difficulties, or general problems.
19. They give you unpleasant labels, call you names, or make cutting remarks with very quiet voices.
20. Abusers are mostly distant or emotionally unavailable.
21. They often try to get attention or something they want by pouting or withdrawing
22. Abusers don’t show you compassion or empathy.
23. They avoid taking personal responsibility but play the victim and try to put the blame on you.
24. Abusers use abandonment or neglect to frighten or punish you.
25. They seem to not care or even notice your feelings.
26. They don’t see you as an individual, but as an extension of themselves.
27. Abusers often use intercourse to control and manipulate you.
28. They often tell personal information about you to others.
29. When confronted, abusers deny their emotionally abusive behavior.
30. They make negative remarks or subtle threats to frighten or control you.
Recognizing these signs of emotional abuse is the first step towards regaining power over your own life, ending the emotional abuse, and starting to heal. If you have been denying, minimizing, or hiding the abuse, this step can be frightening and painful.
The stress from long-term emotional abuse will throw back at you in the form of emotional trauma, illness, anxiety, or depression. So you mustn’t let it continue, even if this means you need to put an end to your relationship. You can visit a licensed counselor for abusive relationships to help you eliminate the fears and pain of ending your relationship and to regain your self-esteem.
Is it possible for an emotional abuser to change? If the abuser recognizes his/her abusive behavior and the caused damage, and if s/he really wants to change, it is possible. Nevertheless, not many of them like to lose the power they feel when emotionally abusing their victim, so the percentage of abusers who like to change is very low.
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men is a book by the author Lundy Bancroft that explains the changes that a male or female abuser needs to make to start his/her recovery.
- To fully admit what they have done;
- To start making amends;
- To stop the blame and make excuses;
- To identify the controlling behavior patterns they use;
- To recognize that emotional abuse is a choice and to accept responsibility;
- To realize that overcoming abusiveness is a long process that can last decades, and not to think they are “cured” in a short amount of time;
- To recognize the attitudes that caused their abuse;
- Not thinking they should occasionally do acts of abuse;
- Not to ask for credit for their improvements;
- To carry their weight and share power;
- To develop supportive, kind, and respectful behaviors;
- To change their reaction in heated conflicts;
- To change their responses to their partner’s grievances and anger;
- To accept the consequences of their deeds (without blaming their partner for their consequences and not feeling sorry for themselves).
However, if your emotional abuser doesn’t like to change, and you still don’t like to leave the relationship, here is some advice that will help you regain your self-esteem and power over your life for the short term:
Put your needs above his/her – Stop worrying about protecting or pleasing your partner. Care about your needs and yourself even when the abuser tries to control and manipulate your behavior once again.
Set clear boundaries. Told your partner that s/he should stop calling you names, yelling, or being rude to you. If the abuser begins with his/her bad behavior, leave the room, or go to your friend’s house to let him/her know you will no longer tolerate him/her.
Don’t engage. Don’t engage with over-explaining yourself, anger, or apologies to try to calm your abuser when s/he tries to win an argument or pick a fight. Be quiet and simply walk away.
Understand you can’t “fix” your abuser. If your partner doesn’t show interest to change his/her abusive behavior, you will surely not succeed to fix him/her with your constant “interventions”. You can only end up feeling worse.
Do not blame yourself. People who have been victims of emotional abuse for a longer period might have a crazy hard time realizing that they aren’t to be blamed for their abuser’s way of treating them. Over the years, victims might start thinking they are doing something wrong so that their partner treats them that way. But it’s important to remember that it’s not your fault!
Ask for support. Conversations with a close person or a counselor can really help you in these hard times. Try to spend as much time as possible with people who love you and make you happy, and as little time as possible with your abuser.
Make an exit plan. Your kids or finances might prevent you from leaving your abuser now, but you can’t live with him/her forever. Make a plan for leaving him//her the first moment you can, and for that purpose start saving money, plan a divorce if you like, and look for a new place to live.
Physical abuse is painful and hard, but emotional one can be even more detrimental as it slowly disintegrates the victim’s sense of personal value and self-worth. This can lead to lifelong emotional pain and psychological scars.
Via Live Bold and Bloom | Wikipedia