An Invitation For an ''After - Dinner Party''
- Did you finish your meal? - I asked my husband.
- Yes, it was delicious. - He replied.
- Let me clean the table... - I added.
- Leave the stupid table... The children are not at home, are they? - He said, taking my hand in his. I took my hand from his and continued cleaning the table.
Fake, Fake, And FAKE! A Well-Known ''Procedure''...
Let's do it! A routine, a simple routine... Just like having dinner together... or, like having lunch; or, like going for a walk together... Fake smiles; Fake eye - contacts; Fake laughs; Fake touch; Fake holding - hands; Fake kisses; Fake whisper; Fake love; Fake making love; Fake nights; Fake LIFE! Is there ANYTHING real?!? Am I raped?!? YES, there is... You... YOU are ''real'' in my eyes while making love with him!
I Can't Stand Him Anymore!
I don't know how, but we are already in bed. I guess I have cleaned the table. He has taken me to our bedroom... Or, I went on my own - I don't remember... That's not the point, however. He is sensitive and gentle, by nature. But, he feels I see another person in front of me while he is next to me. That's why he pushes me to have s*x with him even when he himself is not so much willing to. He wants to ''punish'' me for not loving him! I am a rebel by nature - but I agree with everything he asks. I hate explanations! And, if I say ’’no’’, I would have to explain. I hate to explain - I'd rather put up with that ''nightmare" of hour and a half... I was raped...
This Is How The Story Goes...
We lie in bed. He takes my hand. He touches my hair; He touches my lips with the tip of his finger. It excites me, in a way, because this is my favorite part of our game. In fact, the one and only moment when I enjoy while in bed with him. He looks straight into my eyes. I try to remain calm. There are two options: whether to ''do the job'' as quickly as possible or leave him enjoy with me - at least one of the two will...
I take the other ‘‘option’’. I don't know why... I let him put his fingers on my body. He goes with his hands up and down my skin... I do NOTHING! I feel cold... He is looking at me... still... Takes my clothes... slowly... part by part... First, my earrings. Whispers on my ear... I can't understand a word...Then, the necklace he had bought. A kiss upon my neck. It should excite me, but it makes me feel creepy, raped.
I hardly wait he goes to the ''main'' part. My shirt... He takes it off slowly, also.... He would rather cut it in half - I notice that from his breathing. He is crazy to enter inside me, but he doesn't. Then he puts his right hand between my legs. Stays still for a while...
Keeps looking straight into my eyes still keeping the hand at the same place. ... As if he wants to find answers in my gaze... But he doesn't! I wish this is over as soon as possible, but he keeps with his ‘‘torture’’!
He takes my tights off, again, slowly and passionately. Keeps looking... He takes his clothes off. I have no strength to do that. I don't even dare to touch him. Paradoxically, but I am afraid not start liking him! I wish I could say ''game over! '' . Suddenly, he can't stand my coldness, the ice in my eyes he keeps looking at... He decides to take the rest of our clothes off IMMEDIATELY! And goes, enters into me like a hurricane. He is not afraid to hurt me - he knows he can't more than this!
He Raped Me
This gentle men turns into a tyrant! He is into me and doesn't care if it hurts or not ... It Hurts! Yes, I suppose it should! But - it doesn't, in fact. My body doesn't hurt - my soul does! He raped me, but not my body - HE RAPED MY SOUL, raped my personality. Not this night - he rapes me every day; every minute; every second we spend together! All those things we can’t have together, he tries to take by force. He can't raped me again, no matter how much he tries.
He comes into me and drains all my energy. He pretends I love him - I pretend I like having s*x with him. And he keeps looking at me... straight into my eyes while he is coming; I keep looking at him because I don't look at him - I see you while making love with my husband!For The Rest of Our Lives...
Another night.... Another fight... every third night is a torture for me! I hate his smell, although I adore his perfume! A lot of paradoxical moments I have lived... I can put up with another night of this kind. While he is sleeping tired, I keep looking at my husband, because when I look at him, I see YOU!